Beginnings...

I am thinking of a quote from "The Weatherman." A horrible movie that has stuck with me. If it has stuck with me, I guess that means it isn't horrible. It says, "I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am."

That is sad to me. The idea that I can only be one person. Or that I have only one option to be. I like to think of myself having lots of options.

Because I don't like my life. I am not happy with the person who I have discovered myself to be. I have qualities in myself that I hate and I want to get rid of. It's like an itch or a weight on my back that I cannot get rid of. People tell me, 'just drop the weights.' 'Let go and let God.' or 'surrender your problems and issues to God.' But metaphors get lost in practicality in my life.

I guess that's why I started this blog/journal. Writing is therapeutic for me. And I need a lot of therapy.